Believing

The word BELIEVE has become something that our family lives by. 

We BELIEVE in God and the miraculous power He has to change lives.

We BELIEVE in the evil that is constantly at work in this world trying to counteract all the good that is being done.

We BELIEVE in Logan and Freddie and all that is possible for them.

We BELIEVE that God is first, our marriage is second and our kids are third...if you have to list an order.

We BELIEVE that we would be nowhere without our dedicated family and amazing friends.

We BELIEVE that we were created and are being transformed for something big.

We BELIEVE that we are human and will continue to struggle.

While BELIEVING is a major step in the right direction, it is only part of the equation.  Lately this is where I have been falling drastically short.

The last 3 weeks or so have been some of the hardest that I can remember and it's not really anything specific.  Maybe it's the sum of all that has happened.  Either way, I feel a bit like we have been through a small battle.  We have overcome some of the major obstacles, but there are still mountains that we need to climb before we can rest and enjoy the view.

I've finally realized that simply BELIEVING just isn't enough.  BELIEVING is the easy part and sometimes it leads us to think that if we believe strongly enough then we won't have to do much work, because we believe that God will do it all for us.

This is so not the case and not what He tells us anyway, but it sure is easy to BELIEVE.

Oh the irony.

Here's what I've learned. 

Scratch that...here's what I'm learnING!

Although it has been through pure love and desire for Freddie to have the most wonderful life he could ever possibly have, we have showered him with things other than love and encouragement.  We have put undue pressure and strain on our amazing little 5 year old. We have tried so hard to teach him right and wrong we forgot to let him be a child.

We forgot to let him get away with things every now and then.  We forgot to let him say things that he shouldn't say even though they are super funny and instead just teach him when it's appropriate to say it and when it's not.

We forgot that he doesn't have to be tough and correct and polite and perfect all that time.  He needs to be five and afraid and throw a temper tantrum and learn how to bend rules and learn how to trust that we will always be there.

Having children is so easy.  Providing their basic needs can really be done by anyone. 

Raising children and helping them to understand the complex world we live in, why it doesn't make sense because we contradict everything almost as quickly as we say it, how to believe in and learn to trust someone we can't see or hear (at least that is what this world will tell him) and then what an amazing impact he can have on all of this as he grows up????  It's a wonder God entrusted any of us enough to take this on....not once but multpile times.

And then there is my sweet baby boy. He wants that most simple things in life, yet it seems so difficult to provide those simple things for him.

Here's what we've learned over the last few weeks.

Benefits will only provide for a new button (the device in his tummy where we feed him) every 3 months. However when we reach about 2 to 2 1/2 months he starts to develop infections that have sometimes spread and are difficult to cure. So we are now changing his button every 2 months and either insurance will pay for it or we buy 2 more each year.  Simple when looking back, but it took us about 6 months, multiple doctor's visits, multiple medications, tons of phone calls and too much suffering for Logan before we figured it out.

We also thought it was time to try and reduce Logan's last seizure medication.  We were extremely excited and hopeful.  Unfortunately we are discovering that it is more likely that we need to increase this medication instead of decrease.  The way we figure this out?  His seizures are worse.  Reminiscent of days gone by and not at all what we believed would happen.  So now, we start increasing again and pray that things get better.

When it comes to therapy for Logan, I've rarely had a problem believing.  But DOING is a whole different story.

We are so caught up in doing these days that often times we lose sight of that fact that we are doing things in the wrong order. I think that, for the most part, we are doing the right things, but I have had my priorities pretty screwed up lately. 

So, back to therapy.  Logan gets PT twice a week (1 hour each), OT once a week (30 minutes -1 hour) and Speech once a week (1 hour).  From those 3 1/2 to  4 hours we expect him to conquer the world!

Don't worry, I am hanging my head in shame.  You would think that I would have figured out before now that it is up to US to keep things going at home.  I know all of this...I do, really.  But I just haven't been DOING anything about it.

I'll be honest.  I'm tired.  There are days that I am worn out physcially and emotionally by lunchtime. I want someone else to do the hard stuff.  I'll make all the phone calls and blog about what's happening, but the stuff we actually have to do to keep things moving forward are stinking hard.

I don't want to deal with seizures or who is going to watch Logan so I can take Freddie on a playdate.

I don't want to HAVE to have someone there to watch Logan all day and keep him at home for his therapies.  I want to throw him in the car with me or take him to preschool.

I don't want for our family to play musical beds almost every night of the week. 

I don't want to worry at night that something will happen with Logan and I won't hear him.

I don't want to continue to think that we have not done all that we can do for our children every minute o their lives.

But all of this is just part of raising children.  It's part of what God created us to do and the only way we will ever, EVER be able to do it...is with God's help.

So.  I'll take a deep breath.  I'll get a refill on my sweet tea. I'll wait for the call from the neurologist about Logan's seizures.  I'll go walk with Freddie at the Turkey Trot at his school.  I will be forever grateful to my mom for the little things like putting dinner in the crock pot this morning.  We'll do the simple things like get Freddie's haircut today.  I'll cherish the fact that I have an amazingly supportive, loving and involved husband who is my best friend.

And I'll pray and continue to BELIEVE.

I'll also put on my To Do list that I need TO DO, because simply believing just isn't enough.