It's back to school time and prime breeding ground for the "don't miss out on a single minute of life" emails, blogs, photos, quotes...you get the idea.
And it makes my heart rate increase. My palms get sweaty and I can't for the life of me get a grip on all that I've already missed out on. I start planning what I'm going to be sure not to miss out on because I don't want to look back in 15 years and realized all I missed out on and wonder how in the world I could have missed it?
Wasn't I watching? Was I not paying attention? I put my phone down when I was supposed to. I made eye contact. I really listened and I really tried to focus on not missing out.
Which brings me to now. Now is really now. Not looking back and realizing what I missed. Not looking ahead and focusing more on missing out.
It's living life NOW.
The pressure of not missing out on anything, for me at least, is ruining right now. I don't mean that I don't need the reminder of enjoying each precious moment, but I feel so much pressure to get it all right and record it all in this super secure, Pinterest-worthy place where I will never forget the feeling of every emotion connected to every word ever said or sounds ever muttered by each child...that it's taking over.
So, here I am. Right now. In the NOW. I'm in the car waiting to pick Logan up from school. His altered day, shorter than expected, but we've made it to more school so far this year than expected...so we rejoice.
I'm in the car and its hot. I'm sticky and stuffed from lunch and life is far from perfect.
But I'm here and I'm going to drink it in. Maybe even slurp if needed. But I'm not going to drown in it.
I'm going to do the best I can each day and know that I will get it wrong. And I'm going to offer that same grace to everyone I love and eventually everyone I don't love and give us all a chance to try again next time to get it right. We should all be allowed a next time.
I'm going to pray the new med changes work for Logan and we don't see drastic and horrible side effects. But I'm not going to let the worry of something bad happening ruin my enjoyment of something good happening.
At the sweet and matter of fact suggestion from someone who is very special in our lives, I'm going to create a prayer team. And although it seems kinda selfish to continue to ask for prayer, I know God will use this team far beyond what my tiny brain can fathom.
I'm going to find enjoyment in things that often fall into the "have to" category. Homework, cooking dinner (on time), routines...you get the gist.
I'm going to remember that counting to ten is setting an example for my child as much as it is offering me a chance to collect myself.
I'm going to pray for others as much as they pray for us....throughout every day, not just at certain times. God doesn't really have office hours.
I'm going to thank, acknowledge and praise immediately.
I'm going to try and remember a world where we didn't rely on the words "instant gratification". Where patience didn't have to be preached to little ones because they learned it just by living. I want a little of that world back.
When I think there are not enough hours in a day, I'm going to remind myself that there are exactly the right number of hours in each day. How I'm choosing to utilize them may be wherein lies the trouble.
I'm going to do all I can, all that I am meant to do, to enhance the lives of those living with and those that died because of Epilepsy. But I'm not going to fight. I'm going to advance, cultivate, encourage, forward, foster, further, nourish, nurture and promote. All antonyms of fight. There's already enough fighting in the world.
I'm going to remind myself now is now. And that looking back I will always see something I might have missed or could have done better.
I'm going to soak in all that my human soul can soak in...and leave the rest to God.
And that's enough...for now.
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