All and nothing

All the words are there and then there's nothing.

I have chapters in my head and then it all goes blank.

All the answers and then more questions than I know how to handle.

Thinking it’s all been said and wondering what’s the point?

Complex understanding and then intense confusion.

Everyone feels it and no one wants to talk about it.

It’s the sum total of my entire life and how it makes sense and it’s the phone call from yesterday that wrecks everything.

It’s seeing everything in my life as a blessing and seeing everything in my life as more than I can handle.  More than I feel I should have to handle and the guilt that follows.

When understanding that this is my path and wondering why this is my path can both occur in the same day.

It’s believing that I am right where I’m supposed to be and wondering what in the world all of this means.

Trying to embrace having an intense emotional approach to life and then struggling with having an intense emotional approach to life.

It’s all of it intersecting and bashing around in one heart and soul all at once.  At times finding the perfect fit together and at other times all enlarging such that not one piece will fit.

It’s figuring out how to be there for everyone and not losing myself in the process.

It’s about figuring out what losing myself in the process means or even knowing how not to do that when the most fulfilling feeling is often being there for others.

It’s not feeling guilty about not being all things to all people and at the same time not becoming selfish at every turn.

It’s not being ashamed of being such a deep person.

It’s not being ashamed of not feeling sad all the time.

It’s feeling ok with feeling sad sometimes.

Being led to research things like delayed grief and knowing that can apply to more than just recent events.

It’s refocusing myself when I get off track, which only works if I had focus to begin with.

It’s remembering that the world nor the people in it can ever be my focus or my source of strength.

It’s knowing that when my focus is right and I am gaining strength from the only true source, I can then be a vessel for focus and strength for others.

It's being aware that I can love Chip and Joanna Gaines and all they stand for, but knowing when to turn back to Golden Girls so that I don’t laser focus on what I’m not doing in my life.

It’s realizing that this is the real for me, but maybe no one else.  And that’s ok.

It’s realizing that I’m an introvert that likes to participate as an extrovert at times.  Which only works if I retreat back to introvert ways.

It’s practicing relying on what God gave me to handle my life instead of researching every aspect, looking for someone to tell me how to do it better.

It’s realizing that my best is good enough and my best is what my family needs from me.

It’s also realizing that I’m human and some days my best isn’t the same as other days.  Realizing and then accepting.

Finding the courage to stop comparing and knowing the challenges in my life are big.  Acknowledging that days are hard, decision fatigue is real and loneliness can happen in the busiest of places.

The letting go of perfection wherever it may rear it’s ugly head, while also striving for a revised perspective on perfection.

Remembering that making the call, sending the note, saying the prayer and offering the smile all still matter in a big way.

Feeling confident that, as TobyMac says, “You will never influence the world if you try to be like it.”  And then really thinking about what that means.

It’s living with all of this rattling around inside and working through what pieces will positively influence those little hearts and souls that God has so lovingly shared with us.

It’s breathing.  In and out.  Every day.

Remembering that people are not perfect, most can’t read minds (despite their claims) and GRACE needs to be offered freely without the assumption of reciprocity.

Hearing myself as I share about getting through the tough stuff to get to the good stuff with my little ones and then taking my own advice.

Remembering in the moment that God is often teaching through the pain and that only He can truly bring good out of anything.

Really believing that God will give us our daily bread, not what we think we need for a week.

Letting go of success in the eyes of the world and truly embracing instead the opportunities where God offers us chances to be faithful.

Giving it all I’ve got and when I feel like I’ve got nothing left, going back to the well for more of whatever it is that I don’t even know I need.  But knowing that is where I can refuel, refill and be fully prepared for the next step.

Life is hard.  Life is beautiful.  Life makes me mad, sad, overwhelmed and inadequate. We have had a lot of heavy and a lot of serious in our lives and at times it feels like more than we can carry.

And then my little boy smiles and reaches to hug me.  My not so little boy loves on someone in a way that shows God shining so brightly through him.  It doesn’t right all the wrongs and it doesn't make everything ok, but it’s a start.  It’s a reminder.

I’m tired of being so serious and I miss finding laughter in every day.  But I’m going to believe that all of this is for a bigger purpose.  God needs me for something bigger than me.

I’ll just hang on to that for today.

I’m sharing this only because I feel like maybe someone else needs it today.

And I’ll pray that my faith is stronger than my doubt.