BELIEVE has become sort of a motto in our family. Just over 8 years ago, Fred sent out an email that was shared over and over again, asking for prayer. And asking for anyone who was willing to believe with us that a new diet would work to help control Logan’s seizures. And at the end of that email, his prayer was that we BELIEVE that God’s light would shine through this situation.
There is incredible power in believing. Incredible...power.
The diet worked for 7 months and Logan was free from seizures! He learned to sit on his own and we got our little boy back from the prison of epilepsy for a short time.
Here’s where it gets tricky. Believing holds the power. The incredible, life changing, miracle producing power.
But where that belief is directed, well...that’s really what matters.
When this journey started, I think my faith was still child-like enough that I believed, with my whole being, in whatever path God laid before us. Fear didn’t exist. At least not on a level that interrupted any part of the journey.
But along the way my whole hearted belief and faith in a God who wants nothing but the best for every one of us was slowly eroding. So slowly that I didn’t even notice.
And here I am. The journey along the path that I was sure God laid before us...the one that I believe in with my whole being….has led to a choice. And the choice seems so clear yet incredibly confusing.
It’s where my heart and soul and mind are all arguing with each other.
It’s where I know and I trust, yet I just WANT to know all and yet still don’t trust FULLY.
It’s where everything I feel strong and confident about is also everything that I question and fear.
It’s been happening so slowly that I’ve missed it. I never even saw or felt the darkness taking over.
But as I was reminded recently, the light shines brightest in the darkness (John 1:5).
In the story of our lives, I would have been confident that the early days of Logan’s life were the hardest. That those would be our darkest days as our story unfolded. And that once that early experience was in our rear view, we would be soaring on the wings of eagles, as the Bible says (Isaiah 40:31).
But that’s not the case. For whatever reason that my mind isn’t meant to understand, these are some of the hardest days...at least so far.
Maybe. Maybe they are the hardest days and maybe they’re not.
In an attempt to “fake it till I make it”, I’ve been trying to read my Bible and pray and trust and turn it all over and fight the fear and all of the things that I feel like I’m supposed to do. Whether I feel it or not.
Yet I’m still convinced that these are some of the hardest days. And while my brain tells me that something is wrong if things are this hard and that I need to fix something, my heart tells me to hold on.
It tells me to be patient.
It tells me to believe.
But this time the believing has to have a renewed focus.
This time the believing has to have both a child like faith and a big girl approach.
This time believing includes full trust and complete surrender.
This time believing will cost me more on this side of heaven. It will cause me to let go of what I have deemed so valuable.
This time believing will demand, in the most loving way, that I relinquish all control.
This time the believing has much more at stake. And it offers more than my heart, soul and mind combined can even begin to grasp.
And I have no idea how to do this type of believing. Not even an idea of where to start.
But somehow this is part of it. This collection of rambling thoughts that I would feel much better not sharing...somehow it’s part of the choice to take the path I’m meant to take. The one that feels scary and lonely instead of the one that is reaching out for me ensuring the safer journey, or so it may seem.
My dad shared a book with me today that made my soul ache, the tears pour and my heart soar. It helped to shine a new light on the life we are living. A life that has recently felt darker than ever before.
So today we start with new beliefs.
Believing in a God that only loves and only wants the best for us.
Believing in the power of right now.
Believing that this life is not about us, but about the light that we can shine for others who need a way out of their darkness.
Believing that God never, ever instills fear.
Believing that God created us to be exactly who He needed us to be.
Believing that too many voices will only confuse and lead us down the wrong path.
Believing that we need to continue to build on a strong, unshakable foundation every step of the way. We don’t decide when it’s finished.
It’s time to BELIEVE again. Believing is the only way that I can be all that God created me to be. And maybe one day, my heart and soul and mind will all agree that that is enough.
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