Open the eyes of my heart.....

Open The Eyes Of My Heart, Lord

This is the song that was playing when I started this post tonight. It is beyond fitting.

We never know how God is going to work in our lives. When I sat down to right this post I was in a completely different place emotionally.  Yet about an hour later, after conversations with some very precious friends, I am in a very different place.

Better.  More peaceful.  Calmer.

Still, the emotions from earlier plague me. They have for a few weeks now. Nothing major, just the sort of thing someone may experience from time to time when life seems to flip flop in every direction on a seemingly daily basis.

The range goes something like this:

Frustration, anger, deep love, sadness, fear, excitement, acceptance, criticism, confusion, contentment, complete loss of direction, absolute sense of direction, immediate flood of tears, complete control of emotions, indifference, loneliness, sorrow, impatience, overwhelming joy and gratitude.

And that can all happen in the course of one day, give or take an emotion or two.

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the day we were admitted to the hospital for Logan's mild seizures.  Because they were so short in length we had to video one on our phones for the doctors to even believe us that something was going on.

On July 22, 2009 we received the news that would drastically change our lives.  We had no idea what that could mean then, or even now.

We are extremely blessed, extremely tested and extremely grateful.

The world got infinitely brighter the day Logan was born, just as it did with Freddie. Little did we know that Logan's life would be filled with more dark clouds than we could have imagined.  But the good thing about clouds is that they don't stay in one place forever.

With the winds of love, prayer and unrelenting support those clouds lift and disappear, if even for a short time.  They separate to make way for the bright, healing warmth of the sunshine that is our almost 4 year old and 15 month old angels.

For now, life remains fairly consistent in its inconsistency. The seizures are worse some days and not so bad others. We have good days, bad days and sometimes a mixture.  There are days we see smiles and the brightness return to our precious baby's eyes and those when he can't quite figure out how to eat and function.  We laugh, I cry and we get through it together.

It's not always pretty, but we're making it.

The story continues as we anticipate some big things over the next few weeks and months.

My goal, and the way I know I can best help Logan, is to remember to pray. It sounds strange and I'm ashamed to say it, but I forget to do it.

Life gets in the way of living.

So....one step in front of the other.  One day, hour or minute at a time.  Whatever it takes, we will face things head on.

This didn't seem so daunting when it all began, but little by little I have felt my determination and strength chip away.  Some days it feels like less like chipping and more like a beating.

The answer and source of strength however, remains the same. God is with us every single step we make. And if we're smart, we are not walking with him....we are following him.

We will, without any shred of doubt, continue to praise God through this storm.  He loves Logan more than we can imagine or comprehend and some days that is what gets me back to a place where I can find the strength to take the next step.

My prayer tonight is for peaceful sleep for my boys, a renewed sense of purpose for our family, the ability to remember God is always in control and to follow Him.

Logan's miracle will happen, we just have a hard time being patient with the when and how.  But it will happen and I can't wait for the day!

Sweet dreams sweet boys......