Get A Grip

It's Labor Day.

It's beautiful outside.  Boats and jet skis have been zooming by all day.

All of the local TV stations (which is basically all we get with our fancy rabbit ears) are reporting on all of the historic events that are happening surrounding the DNC.

The sun is shining, we are all healthy and have had a wonderful weekend with great friends.

All I can do though is wallow in self pity.  I can't seem to get out of this funk and it's literally driving me nuts!

I just looked back over a few of the posts from the last year or so and it seems as though this was often the theme. Me...in a funk.

I'm getting on my own nerves really!

It's just that I can't seem to make any progress, in anything.

Logan's seizures have been worse for the past few months...maybe even progressively over the past year or so.  We have adjusted meds, we've started a new medicine, we've adjusted the diet, we've worked on issues with his ear, we've taken meds away, we've removed flavored water from his diet...all in an effort to try and get his seizures back under some kind of control.  But so far, we just have some good days, or good periods during the day.  Then we seem to be right back where we started, or where we never left.

I haven't given up and I don't feel like things are hopeless...I'm just so tired.  I feel spent in every way possible and I can't seem to shake it.

I miss my husband.  I miss simple times with him when we can just catch up on the day.  When we can find something that makes us laugh, without everything being so weighted down.

I miss going on family outings.  All of us, together.  I can rationalize in every direction the details and whys of this, but I just miss it.  At this moment in time I would give anything to just be able to do everything as a family...even for one day.

I miss sleeping in my bed, with my husband.  I miss even the possibility of crawling into bed at night with a good book, discussing our day the next day and waking up with even some resemblance of a decent night's sleep.

I miss being a fun person.  I miss doing things with my kids that don't involve the necessities of life. I miss knowing what things are that are not a necessity of life.

I want to be the perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect advocate for Logan, the perfect whatever it is that I'm supposed to be.  I want to make the best decision about my life and my family's life before someone else has time to have an opinion about it.

I want to feel sad.  I want to cry.  I want that to somehow make things better.

I want to know what to do for Logan.  Do I try and take him out?  We did that yesterday and had a great time.  But later that day he had one of the worst seizures I've seen, because I think we pushed too hard.

I want to know how to stimulate him, but instead end up letting him roll around on his bed because it is what seems to make him happy.  And he always seems tired, so I think maybe he needs to sleep.

I want to be able to leave the house with everyone..even in the heat.  But instead, we stay inside. In the same four walls and try to make the best of it.

I want to stop complaining and feeling sorry for myself. Because it's not going to help anyone.  It really only makes things worse.

I want to remember every moment of every day to pray and to rely on God, but for some reason I can't even get that right.

I feel so guilty even venting about this, because there are people and families everywhere who are struggling with so much worse.  I am blessed beyond anything I can imagine, and I know that.  I do.

I'm just overwhelmed and not sure what to do except to get it out.

I feel so trapped sometimes without the ability to make it better.  Everything I read seems to try and remind people that they have a choice.  They can change their lives if they want to.

But what are my choices?  If I knew what my choices were, maybe I would know what to do but it all feels so confusing and overwhelming.

I know the answer is to turn to God, to pray like my life depended on it (which it technically does) and to know in my heart that this struggle is all part of creating the strength and courage I need to follow God's will for my life.

But...it's...hard.

I don't really know of anything that I can change, because I believe in all that we are doing.  For Fred, Freddie, Logan and me.  I believe in the choices we have made and believe that we need to keep pushing ahead.

But...it's...hard.  So hard.

Hard never hurt anyone.

In fact, that's where the true blessings come from, right?

So, I will continue to praise God...even in this storm