The dishwasher can sometimes send me over the edge. It either needs to be emptied or filled, but never at the most convenient time. And it always seems to be full on the bottom, but not on the top. That seriously used to rule my life...at least when it came to the kitchen.
Now....I run it. Full or not. Top heavy or bottom heavy and I feel no guilt. And when they're clean? I empty it. Without agonizing over it.
I realize I sound a little nuts. Maybe even alotta nuts. But that right there is TRUTH.
And if we are speaking alotta (my new word) truth....it wasn't just the dishwasher that had a hold over me.
But it is not, in fact, a mystery. He tells us exactly what to do, what to expect, the rules of the game and His role. He tells us all of that. He may not tell us every step of the road or every bump (or boulder) we may encounter, but he also assures us grace and peace if we obey.
But we choose to go our own way. We are so sure we have it under control that control becomes our focus. The more control we have of everything in our lives, the better off we'll be. The better spouse, parent, friend, employee....whatever. We will just be better if we can continue to gain control over every single aspect of our entire lives.
And then, we reach a point where we realize that our issue is that need for control.
Or maybe it's not a point we reach. It's somewhere along the journey. It's in the becoming a parent or spouse or employee.
Or it's none of that. It's in the day to day struggles of being that....or just in being.
I know....way too deep. But it's where I am. EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE these days.
I've laid out my little family puzzle pieces before, but I tell ya...we are a complex little bunch.
And then I talk to someone else or a read another blog or I take a deep breath and really hear a Sunday School lesson and I realize we are ALL a complex little bunch.
And..we were made to be dependent on God. MADE TO BE DEPEDENT.
Some might describe me as a bit INDEPENDENT. Okay, so maybe I threw in the "a bit" part. But the idea of being dependent on anyone or anything doesn't necessarily come naturally to me. It's like I can't handle it on my own. And it's all my stuff, so no one is going to say I owe them....I got this. I don't need help with anything. I am competent enough to do this ON MY OWN. Not that I'm yellilng that from the rooftops or anything.
As my sweet Mama often reminds me, one of my favorite phrases growing up was "I do it myself, Mama."
God may not be mysterious, but I do believe in His sense of humor.
The irony? My life is such that I actually can't handle it all on my own. I am inundated with people and relationships and conversation and life. INUNDATED!
I say so often that I get so tired of people in my house. And I mean no disrepect at all. I wouldn't be able to function without all of those people in my house, but there are times that I just feel like I'm suffocating. There are times I want quiet so badly....or maybe a sappy movie, but that's quieting to my brain. And for the love of everything Wingate....it just isn't going to happen.
Who am I kidding....Fred and I have our best conversations over text and email, cause we sure don't sit down and "catch up" after the kids are peacefully sleeping. By the time their eyes are finally closed and we don't hear someone fighting sleep somewhere, it's all we can do to shut the rest of the house down at night and find our separate beds.
Life is hard and that is more TRUTH. It's REALITY. That isn't going to change as long as we live inthis world.
I feel like I have reached that realization. Maybe even reached it again. This is our REALITY. It's not that life should get easier. It's that I will remember more often where to turn for the answers. I'll remember that I was not made to do a little work during the day, some parenting on the side, pat myself on the back for showing up in an awesome way and settle in for hours of rewarding myself.
That's just not it.
It's knowing that starting my day in God's word and praying continuously, as well as being thankful for all God has done throughout every day WILL MAKE THE DIFFERENCE.
When I do that, life is still hard. In fact it seems that more difficult doors open. More challenging people come barreling into my life and I often feel like I have less answers than more.
But I remember where to turn. And then.....I grow.
I start to really and truly grow.
Growing means that I rub my child's soft cheek and remember to tell him I love him as I look right in his beautiful blue eyes and I know, beyond the shadow of any doubt he would throw his arms around me and hug my neck as hard as he could saying "I love you too, Mama"...if he could. I can actually SEE it in those precious eyes. It's not a sadness because I'm missing out or an anger because life is so "different". It's being thankful because I can look at him and know.
Growing means that instead of being so frustrated I could (and do) scream because parenting my 7 1/2 year old seems beyond impossible some days, I begin to see how truly, TRULY amazing and wonderful and perfect he is....even if the world doesn't put the same value on all that he has to offer. At least not for now. The growing in me means that I know how truly extraordinary his life will be because God made him. He formed him in the most perfect way possible and gave me the instructions to help guide him. He gave Freddie everything he needs and gave me everything I need, even though that is really hard to believe and remember.
Growing also means that my marriage is not the same as it was almost 12 years ago. My husband is not the same man I married and there's a chance I've changed a little over the years too. The growing part helps me embrace the changes we have endured and experienced together. The growing makes me rejoice in the strength we have gained together with all that life has given us. It makes me grateful for hearing that voice when God whispered..."He's the one."
Logan still struggles. It is an ever changing world with him and the details of his life. And what's ironic to me now is how that applies to all of the details of my life. Freddie struggles. Fred struggles. I struggle. Logan's life is complicated on a medical level, which brings complications on a personal level, but it is all part of who we are. The more often that I can remember that the more often I feel overwhelmed with how wonderful life is.
These are the details of our family. And it's what we do with this that will determine the impact we...all of us....even Mabel....have on this world. That's...why...we're...here. To have an impact. Not to reap the rewards of this life. To have an impact on others. God's impact through us....not our impact alone.
One of the comments this morning during our Sunday School lesson (thanks Alison!) was about being so thankful for our Christian faith, even more so now that we have children.
I couldn't agree more. I am so thankful for the guidance, the peace, the grace and the assurance that all of this is temporary. It's hard to live in and to teach my children about such a broken world, but we just can't live without hope.
My hope is that I will see my youngest son walk, run, laugh, sing, tell us he loves us and be able to let us know that he knows how much we love him. And that he will not endure so much suffering. I know that will one day all come true...even if not here on earth.
It is not an easy road...any of it. But I pray for every ounce of strength I need to do all that I am called to do.
God gave me one of the most precious beings ever created as a husband. I am called to BE HIS WIFE and all that comes along with that. Most days I don't get that even close to right, but I'm trying.
God gave me two beautiful children. I am called to BE THEIR MOTHER. Most days I don't get that right either, but I'm trying.
God blessed us with amazing family and friends and teaches us to be faithful to all of these relationships. That's REAL and HARD, but we have to keep trying.
All of these things require patience and love...two things the world seems to be way too short on these days...but we have to keep trying.
My life is changing in ways I could have never imagined and at times it's more than I can take. I don't know what to do with all that is going on, which is why you get posts like this. It has to land somewhere in some form so I can make some sense of it.
In such a broken world there is a place to turn where there is enough hope and love and patience and mercy and grace to go around. We just have to remember that and share it.
I guess this is my way of rememering and sharing.
God bless the lesson of the dishwasher.
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