I can't begin to tell you what the prayers, calls, texts, messages and unwavering support feels like. There is never a moment that we are alone. Little compares to that kind of compassion and my hope that you all feel that back tenfold.
So the surgery. It didn't happen.
Not sure if I mentioned or not, but Logan has been battling a little infection. One with the letters MRSA. That's right the dreaded one that we used to hear about that would scare anyone even remotely connected with a medical facility, but one that has now become all too common.
We have no idea how he got it, but it developed around his g-tube site when we made the most recent change out. The tube leaked a little here and there and I know better. I know that when that happens, it needs to be changed again but I didn't push it.
So last week we had it cultured and now we are treating it. And it looks 1000% better.
For some reason the neurosurgery team was not aware of the fact that there was a somewhat active infection being treated. I have no desire to hammer out the details of the breakdown in the hospital system protocols that should have brought that to the attention of everyone that needed to know, BUT I will be communicating with "customer service" concerning my thoughts about our experience. Suffice it to say if we had just had a pre-op phone call like we have had for every procedure to date, I doubt we would have been in the hospital for 4 hours this morning before heading back home.
However, even though it was not the way I would have chosen to spend the morning, I can tell you that I am extremely thankful we did not have this surgery today. I have yet to pinpoint the exact reasons why, but I'm glad things worked out the way they did.
Which brings me to what I will take away from today.
BELIEVING.
When I say you all showed up in a big way, it's a pretty decent sized understatement. With the support we had today it felt like we could have FILLED the entire hospital! Even the blocked off ER (due to some tests they were running on a patient...YIKES...all resolved now though).
I have never felt comfortable with this surgery. I don't get excited about any procedure my loved ones have to endure, but this one just never settled well with me. I prayed for peace and it never came like I wanted. I never felt like this was the right move, although I felt like it had to be our next move.
I cried yesterday. There's a chance there might have even been a few sobs. And the only reason I am even letting that little detail out is to express how at a loss I have felt about this, although I cannot figure out why.
So my plea for prayers for peace and help to believe again were extremely honest and real. And as much as I tried to turn it over to God, I wasn't letting go. At one point I was alone in the room with Logan this morning and I tried with every fiber of my being to pray simply for God's will. Most of me meant it. But part of me still felt unsettled.
Our surgery was pushed two hours (although we were not informed, so we showed up 4 hours early) and there was a little news report of the ER (same hospital) being blocked off waiting on patient test results (I wasn't joking earlier). I was ready to pack it up and go home.
As we continued to wait I wore my phone out checking it. Email, text messages, Facebook, Instagram, news outlets...whatever I could to distract me. Or maybe I was looking for answers. Who knows. Either way, it wasn't working.
Finally, I prayed again. Why I never remember to start there is beyond me. But what I prayed this time was a bit desperate. I prayed that the surgery wouldn't happen. We had finished our pre-op screening and were just waiting to see anesthesia and the neuro team. But I prayed that prayer anyway. I was worried that if Fred asked what I was doing he would think I had legitimately lost my mind if I told him. Nonetheless, I continued.
I silently begged God to stop the surgery - although I did throw in "if it's your will". Like he needed to hear that last part.
And it was less of a prayer, but more of me begging God to do what I wanted. I told him I couldn't. I couldn't stop the surgery. I couldn't do this on my own and I needed his help. "Please, please if it's your will find a way to stop this" were the words I used.
And maybe less than an hour later, we were going home. Surgery cancelled, a follow up with Infectious Disease needed and once they cleared us we would talk about the surgery again.
Done and done. And wow.
I don't know why I have felt that way. I know I keep saying that, but usually I can figure out something that makes sense. Not this time.
And as we drove home and I tried to find answers, Fred reminded me that I don't always need answers. Just take it for what it is and keep moving forward.
That's the difference between Fred and me - I always seem to need answers and ones that make sense.
But this time, I'm trying to just move forward. Not having the whole picture. Not having concrete answers.
But one thing I do have is peace. That peace I was searching for, is now found. And my baby boy is home. Even after a seizure that almost required Diastat this afternoon, there is peace.
Believing is so powerful. Even more so when it's believing what you can't see or what you don't understand.
Believing that a little faith is all you really need.
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