Trust and Love

The only thing that counts is faith 

expressing itself through love. - Galatians 5:6

These days it feels like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Then I realize how much harder life is for so many people and families I simply replace that weight with guilt.  Guilt that tells me I'm not that important.  I'm not carrying the weight of the world and it's pretty arrogant of me to think I am.

Then as all of those feelings die down or are replaced with whatever need is shouting at me at the moment, I inevitably end up trading the guilt for the weight again..and the process starts all over.

It feels tortuous at times.  The seemingly never-ending cycle of weight and guilt.  

I can associate the weight with any part of my life at the moment.  It's a sneaky trick of Satan.  He knows where our weakness is and he hones in on how to use that against us, while offering the beautiful outlet of rationalization.  That's his answer for us.  And it's so...incredibly...easy.  I can turn things into whatever I need them to be to make myself feel better.  And, if I so choose, I can find someone somewhere who will help me travel down the road of self pity.  They will even clear the way for me and sometimes invite others to the party.  But at the end of that road I will, without a doubt, be alone.  That is how the story always ends when you let Satan take the lead.

So many people I know, many who will read this blog, will wonder about me as they count how many times I type the word "Satan" in this post.  But I can assure you that evil is at work in innumerable ways.  And I fully believe that when something big and bold is in the verge of happening for God's Kingdom, Satan pulls out all the stops to derail any and everything good.

Fred and I are reading The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren and every day I am amazed at the timing.  I often miss days, so the 40 days that it takes to read it is turning into 60.  It is still like a lifeline to me.  A true and faithful lifeline that I will start again when I reach the end.  Every day the words are so incredibly applicable to that day and that place I find myself.  I would give anything to actually be able to clothe myself in the realities the book offers.  To be able to wear it like an armor long after I have closed the pages for the day.  A shield that would help me defend the need my soul has for God to the want my human heart has to understand this world.  It sounds incredibly crazy even as I type it, but it is honestly where I seem to find myself throughout each day.

I hear the song "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns and I often wonder what is getting ready to happen.  I think that it means that a major storm is headed my way and I better brace myself.  I always thought of storms as major, often leaving a trail of destruction behind, but really only lasting a short time.

But what I am discovering is that storms are not that easily defined.  They don't all fit into a nice neat box with clear edges and definite beginnings and ends.  

I think it's another reason this winter has been so hard. 

Like this winter I can't seem to escape the grey, cold, wet feeling.  And I think I am in the middle of a storm in my life.  One that is defining in so many ways that I'm not sure I will understand all the implications on this side of heaven.  I'm in that place where you can't figure out when it started and you aren't yet able to see the other side.  The side where there are no more grey clouds...at least for a while.

Understandably from the outside, my life looks like rolling green pastures and birds singing.  And from a worldly view that's all true.  We are blessed in so many ways, I couldn't even begin to name them. 

But the more I read my Bible and verses like 1 John 2:17 - The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever - it becomes clearer that the view from the outside in doesn't matter.  It's what is happening on the inside that makes the difference.

So what does all that mean?  I'll have to let you know when I figure it out.  Right now it seems to mean that I'm in the middle of that dark, grey cloud filled with doubt and uncertainty.  Filled with questions about life and my role.  But the unmistakable, unshakeable common thread through every devotion I read, every verse I underline and every sermon I hear is this - TRUST.  Period.  

End of story.  

I could stop there.  

No more needs to be said.  

But...it's not like I ever say less than needs to be said.  I'm filled with exponentially more words than need to be said.  So, I'm not done just yet.

As I've mentioned before, we had a few verses read at our wedding.  We picked them out, but they didn't necessarily have deep meaning to us 12 years ago.  Then when Freddie was to be dedicated, we picked a few verses that spoke to us at the time.  

It was not until Logan's dedication that I realized we had chosen the same collection of verses on 3 separate occasions.  Needless to say, by the time we were using it for Logan's dedication it had deep and powerful meaning.  

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight.  - Proverbs 3:5-6

Truer words were never spoken.  But for me, they are sometimes the hardest words to live by.  

Trust implies that you give up something....control.  You place confidence in something or someone else.  As I've said before, I clearly have no issues with control.  Just ask those closest to me.  

Or better yet, just ask me.  

And those "non-issues" with control lead to an inability to ask for and accept help.  When you listen to a world that tells you accepting help and not doing it all on your own means you've failed, then you avoid failure at all costs.  You run, scratch, claw and fight your way out of accepting help so that you can assure anyone who might inquire that no, you absolutely have not failed.  In fact you've won!  You have achieved.  You have reached..........

What?  What have you reached?  What have you won?  

You've won the reputation of being a loner.  You've won the ability to sabotage relationships.  You've won the favor, the approval and the applause of Satan himself.  Score one for the bad guys.

Like I said, this all seems pretty crazy and out there, but it feels so real to me right now. I'm a thinker, so unfortunately my brain swirls with this stuff all the time.  And if I'm not careful it leads me down the wrong path.  And when I don't accept or seek help, my journey down that path speeds up.

But, the source of my help is not in talking with someone.  It's not in seeking someone to help me analyze my crazy brain.  

It's in letting God in.  Letting him do what he does.  

Just letting God.  

We talk a lot about all of the gifts God gives us....hope, peace, grace, mercy.  But arguably the greatest, most powerful, most glorious and holy gift he gives us is love.  

It's a small word, but it holds immeasurable power.

When it is pure and right and from HIM, it is what drives all the good that can ever happen.  It's what makes.....everything.  It's what rights wrongs.  It's what heals.  It's what abolishes evil.  It's what allows forgiveness.  It's what plants seeds of hope.  

It's what starts to break the clouds of grey so that the SON can finally shine through again.

Love works wonders.  And it works in many ways. 

And what I'm learning is that love isn't just about giving.  It is about receiving.  

Love is about receiving help as much as it is about giving help.  But the core of both of them is that they are done with a pure, intentional and unselfish servant's heart.  

And that is the place I am trying to find.  That is place I am trying to plant my soul.  That is the only place where I will ever find comfort.  That is the only place where the struggle will matter.  That is where the clouds always have a silver lining.  That is the place where something good can always be found.  

That is the place where truly The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

So it's time to start TRUSTING God to fill my heart and soul with LOVE.  

Nothing else really matters and yet it is the only way to live.