As we sat in church yesterday I knew this day would be different. You cannot see and hear all that is going on in this world and not, at some point, need reassurance that there is something greater.
The day started with a seizure for Logan around 7:30am. One requiring his rescue mediation, which he has not had since March. I haven't talked much about his seizures, except to say that we have been in a really good place...and that's all I'll say. This seizure was rough though. And I won't lie and say that it didn't hurt my heart a little. I knew he was ok, but we were on such a great streak.
Freddie also has a little cold or allergies, so we decided that he would stay home and just Fred and I would head to church.
Thankfully I have been trying to fill my mind, and more importantly my soul, with the only things that can sustain me. This is a recent change, because everything else I tried wasn't working. Why do we wait and turn to what we know works after we've tried everything else? So I have started getting in the habit of saying things like, "I trust YOU God, no matter what" and "Thank you even for this struggle, because I know your will is better than mine." It sounds a little crazy even to me when I write it out and then read it back to myself, but I'm getting more and more comfortable with my crazy each and every day.
So we walk into church and things start to hit me like - the music is a little loud, I don't really want to listen to a guest speaker, wonder how Logan is doing, wonder how Freddie is feeling....anything to steal my focus from where it needs to be.
We took communion and as I bowed my head to pray, I really prayed. Like not one of the stale, rehearsed ones that I say so often. But one that was true and heartfelt and bordered on pleading.
Fear has always been part of my life. Fear and worry. And if I don't keep it in check it will take over and rule my world. So that was the focus of my prayer. Take away the fear, help me trust in YOU, more of you and less of me.
As the music continued it was one of those times where my soul settled and the ears and eyes of my heart opened. As people began to stand simply because of the tug on their hearts, the tears welled up in my eyes. Usually I can keep them there, but on this day they spilled over.
The songs lyrics sang with joy were...it is well with my soul. And we were reminded that even when it is not well, with God it can still be well.
As the guest speaker began I once again felt of jolt of the reality that this is not what I would have chosen for the day. This is not what I wanted nor what I needed. Of that I was sure. But as the sermon began I realized that God might once again be a little more tuned into what I need for my life than I am. It was a sermon that stirred not only my soul, but my desire to dig deeper into my faith.
And it reminded me, along with other little nudges this week, of the importance of believing.
Believing that believing is not about being perfect.
Believing in a God that is bigger than us or anything that comes our way.
Believing in the insane power of honest and genuine prayer.
Believing that we were made for so much more than just ordinary lives (thank you Casting Crowns!).
As we left church, Fred and I talked about how so many changes in our lives require a change in our hearts before anything else can happen.
That afternoon I headed to the grocery store, but not before a little detour of just driving around for a bit. Not too long, but I honestly love driving, so it was just a nice little break in the day for me.
I recently found a new radio station that I had not heard before. A Chrisitan station. His Radio. How appropriate.
I fully believe that because of my little detour, I got to hear the following clip.
The question: "How do you know you're His?"
Two answers:
"I know I'm His because of the change in my heart."
"I know I'm His because I'm 15 years free of Epilepsy and on no medications."
And then the song. One that is familiar to many, but new to me. Before the Morning by Josh Wilson. These were the words I heard:
Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
That you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling
Can't compare to the joy that's coming.
So hold on, you got to wait for the light
Press on, just fight the good fight
Because the pain you've been feeling,
It's just the dark before the morning.
Coincidence? You tell me.
It's time to start BELIEVING again. But not just for us, but for what we want to see in this world. For the good that is still possible.
It's time to start REALLY BELIEVING in a GOD that is bigger than all of it and one that loves us more than we could ever imagine.
Our family is living proof that BELIEVING changes lives.
No one can explain why Logan has been doing as well as he has been. I'm ready to BELIEVE again...I mean REALLY BELIEVE again that God has gifted to us a life so filled with purpose and power and impact that we could never begin to comprehend what that even means.
Will you join us in BELIEVING again?
My fear takes over when I think about the potential of Logan's foundation. But I am choosing to BELIEVE and I'm putting God in charge.
And I'm going to trust. It's really my only option.
So join us for the next chapter of this adventure. Minus fear. Minus hesitation.
This is bigger than us and for that I am grateful.
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