Perfectly Imperfect

On any given day I've had trouble deciding who I am.  It's like I need labels and roles in my life to define who I am so that I KNOW who to be that day.

Wife?  Mom?  Epilepsy Advocate? Nurse? Counselor? Business owner?

You know what I mean. All the roles that we accumulate over the course of our lives.

The labels are my way to prove to people that I matter.  That I exist.  That I have a purpose on this earth and that I am needed.

But along the way the waters got really muddy.  The mattering and purpose parts were so blurry I couldn't find them.  And it seemed all the labels did were create more pressure for me to be something that I felt I could never live up to.  I couldn't see how I could live up to one role, much less all of them combined.

My mom was always my sounding board.  Always my connection to the root of the problem or the deep truth of the situation.  She was always my connection to me...as strange as that may sound.  And it's taken me this long to learn who I am...just me.  Not me as a wife, or a mother...not even me as a daughter.  But just me. 

And I won't say me without her because I don't think we can ever be without our parents.  They are as much a part of us as our children are - with all that entails.  But I finally had to grow up in a way that I never had before.

I would say it started the first part of this year, but it began long before then.  Just as with day giving way to night, darkness rarely starts out as powerful and all encompassing as it becomes. It usually takes a while before we (hopefully) realize that it has invaded our lives as an unwelcome visitor - permeating every nook and cranny available.

I needed a light.   A light in the darkness that could be my beacon to lead me to somewhere other than I was.  I didn't even know where I needed to go, but where I was currently residing was not working.  It wasn't working for my marriage, my children and definitely not my health. 

It would be easy for me to say that I dug into my bible and prayed my way out of the hole.  But that's not what happened.  I couldn't even seem to make that work.  Clearly I was even doing that wrong.

So I tried a workout program.  You know...they all say "Get moving!  Exercise will help!"  And while I believe that, it didn't change things overnight. 

But it was a start.  And through that program I met a health and nutrition coach.  Fred and I discussed it and we decided that it would be good to try.   I certainly couldn't continue the way I was headed.

As soon as payment was complete I panicked.  Buyers remorse in a huge way.

What have I just done?  This is not what I wanted.  To be accountable to someone?  To have MORE pressure?  To have committed to something that gives me ANOTHER THING ON MY TO DO LIST for the next 6 MONTHS?

Maybe this is where the prayer worked, because there was no return policy. 

I've always been a people pleaser.  Whether you see that as a fault (I drive my husband crazy!) or you've figured out how to see it as a strength - it often embeds itself so deeply that there is little changing it.

In addition to this people pleasing attribute, I have a smidge of perfectionism.  Not necessarily the kind that one would expect when I say perfectionism.  It's the kind that looks like an unorganized office and inability to make decisions combined with powerful procrastination skills.  Add to that a huge case of the "I should have's" and you have the perfect prescription for little to no progress in life.  Hence the dark hole.

I'm what you might call the total package. 😏

But I did it.  I didn't crumble and try to get my money back.  I didn't avoid her phone calls.  I sucked it up and dug in. EVERY...TWO...WEEKS...I dug in. 🙄

One of the first things she did was send me a self care book to start reading.  Exactly what I was afraid of!  Eat well, exercise and get enough sleep.  Perfect.  Just the things that I ALREADY CAN'T GET RIGHT!

I should have had a little more of an open mind when she said "trust the process", because that book is still impacting my decisions.  And not impacting like I have a list of self care rituals (although that may work too) but impacting my life because I matter.  Like outside of anyone or anything else.  I matter.  Just because I matter.

It's that simple.  And interestingly enough, my faith tells me the same thing. 

Step one complete.  I.....matter.

From that point on I continued to encounter one of the most freeing experiences I've ever been through.  And although I begged her to do anything except take my morning coffee, I have happily (most days) given up my morning coffee. 

I have never met someone who said they didn't judge and then...they didn't judge. 

And by the end of my time with her, I finally like me again.  In fact, I might actually like me for the first time in my life.

And by that I don't mean I think I'm the best or better or whatever that statement may sound like.  I am just simply content with who I am. 

I'm owning my choices. 

I'm comfortable in my skin - tan or not.

I'm in tune with foods my body thrives on - which surprisingly resemble those I swore I didn't like.

I get to decide.....all of it.  Like...all of it.  Even when my circumstances are not what I would choose, I still get to make some incredible choices about those circumstances.  Including how I feel about them.

My husband has even noticed.  He says I'm nicer!  Six months ago I would have taken his head off with that comment.  Now I can wholeheartedly agree with him and appreciate the fact that he lived (and even supported me) through the storm.

It's an incredible feeling not only to feel free, but to have let go of the weight of so many things...most of which I couldn't even identify.  Not to mention feeling empowered to notice when all of that old stuff threatens to show up again and having the ability to simply not let it. 

And now....digging into my faith, my bible, praying, loving on others.......it all FEELS different.

Am I perfect?  Thank goodness NO!  In fact, I'm perfectly imperfect.  Which is...well....perfect. 🥰

I love that not having all the answers doesn't cripple me like it used to. 

I love that when I pray now, it's with a passion that feels real, not manufactured.

I love that I can actually make decisions and care less about the level of perfection associated with them.

I love that there really is no normal. 

I love that now, all those roles associated with me are just that...associated WITH me. They are NOT ME.  I can now see them as privileges in my life.  Things I GET to do.  The person I GET TO BE for others.  How grateful I am that God has given me what I need and more to fulfill those roles even when I am sure I am grossly inadequate for the job.

I love this new place in life even though it's still hard.  Even though it only seems to get harder as the boys get older. As Logan gets more medically complex and Freddie works so hard to survive the teenage years. 

But hard can be done with the right tools and the right people reminding you that you ARE the right person for the job. 

All I know for right now is I'll show up today for whatever God has planned.  I'll ACTUALLY MAKE the decisions that I need to make and I'll trust the process that GOD ultimately controls anyway.

And I'll love everyone I can along the way knowing I won't do it perfectly....and that's ok.