Life...comin' atcha!

For those of you who are looking for an update on Logan and the family, I'll do that first so that you can choose whether or not to keep reading or save yourself from whatever it is that might end up in this post. My mind is racing about a million different things and this is where I ended up. Here we go....

Since my last post we have had a stomach virus visit Freddie and Fred, a late evening call to the after hours nurse because Logan was having multiple short seizures in a two hour period, a 45 minute EEG for Logan to determine what his seizures are doing different if anything and H1N1 vaccine shots for both boys. Other than that, it's been a pretty slow week! We've been saying since May that things will slow down and settle out a little. Seeing is believing. I haven't seen any signs of it yet.

I'm a bit scared to say it out loud, but we are almost half way through the month of November and have not visited Levine. It would be nice for this to be a month free from any hospitals. That will definitely be something to be thankful for. I guess I should realize that is something that has slowed down for us. See? Typing this out helps bring it all back into perspective.

Although we haven't visited the hospital, Logan's seizures haven't gotten any better. In fact, some days he has anywhere from 6-10, which is an increase since we came off of the steroids. It's not a huge surprise though, because the steroids were probably helping with the seizures. One thing that has been pretty frustrating is his meds. I'm sure everyone reading this is just as frustrated, because it's all I seem to talk about with Logan. It has become easier to give them to him...YAY!!! I think the thrush in his mouth is what really gives us a fit sometimes. It must really hurt which is just brutal. With the thrush almost gone though, the 3 syringes and crushed pills we have to give him are not nearly as bad.

The part that is frustrating though, is that his Topamax levels (in his blood) are higher than the limit for his weight. From what I understand the main effect from that is that it will make him sleepy and lethargic, which is why I called the neurologist in the first place. His levels are too high, he is sleepy and pretty floppy, but his seizures are worse. Hmmm.....it would be nice to not feel like we are going in complete circles some days. But, that was the reason for the EEG today. To try and figure out what is going on in that sweet, little brain of his. As much as we do not want him to have seizures, I was thrilled today when he had one during the monitoring. We'll see what the neurologist says once she has a chance to read it. Hopefully it's nothing major, we can make a medicine change and start to see some real improvements. He wants to play and be a 7 month old so badly, but his little body just can't do it right now. It is so frustrating to watch. And what's even more frustrating is the time it takes to adjust meds, change meds, start meds, stop meds, etc., etc., etc. Patience....I try to remember and pray for it every day.

Freddie is feeling better and was back to school yesterday. I have to laugh most days, because although I'm sure there are boys in his class - he has mentioned his friend Jack a few times - we mostly hear about Gracie, Piper, Vivian, Tusli, Meera and a few other sweet little girls. He's only 3!!!! It's precious though. I'm going to try and observe his class sometime soon and I can't wait to see him in action. I'm sure he is a handful based on the bits and pieces we get from him. He has also become such a little negotiator. I can't even give a good example, it's just that he knows how to maneuver his way to getting what he wants using various techniques. Any of you who know Fred realize that Freddie is a carbon copy of him when it comes to his sales techniques. They apparently are born with that gene. The funny thing is, at 7 months, Logan apparently got that one also. I've got a long road ahead of me with these three boys!!!

I was looking through old photos tonight. I love doing this, but am not sure it's always the best use of my time. Ask anyone in my family and they will tell you I waste too much time doing things like that. But it makes me happy, so tonight I wasted a little time. What was interesting tonight though, was that every picture I looked at made me think that life was so easy for us at whatever point the photo was taken. Since it is regarding my life, I know for a fact that wasn't true. But from the outside in, it looked like we were having the time of our lives.

I realized that we/I do this with other people and don't even realize it, especially if I do it with myself. If by looking at the photos, it seemed like we were so happy and carefree, but it didn't feel like that at the time, how could we try and make the feeling that shows in the pictures part of real life? Not sure that made any sense, but to me it triggered the need to take back control of my life. Here's how my brain works though, which is part of my problem.

Recently I have been able to realize that I exist again....as a whole person. Long story as to why that was not the case before, but suffice it to say I was pretty lost for a while. I used to struggle with the fact that I didn't feel like I had any passions. If I had to choose what it is that I would love to do, I wouldn't even know where to begin. Lately, I can't narrow the options down!!! Not that they are actually options - I have multiple full time jobs here at home - but I realized that the list just keeps growing of things that I would love to do! A few that I would like to pursue - photography, guitar lessons, writing, graphic design, non profit work & cooking. Fred - keep your mouth shut on the last one....this is my dream, not our current reality.

One of my other issues is that when I say I want to pursue guitar lessons, what I mean is that I want to be able to pick up a guitar in about a week's time and play any song that pops into my mind as well or better than the person who wrote it. With photography, I want to capture the most amazing photos of people, places and things that are award winning and yet just personally gratifying. I want to cook gourmet meals with the ease of all of those wonderful shows where they make it look effortless because they have everything on hand for exactly what they need, a clean kitchen otherwise and a behind the scenes staff to take up the slack. I realize there are various words that could be used to describe this and some may also refer to this as some type of disorder, but I also bet that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I just seem to have trouble channeling my energy and focus on the things I actually need to be doing. I feel like I will never get through all of the "have to's" so that I will ever be able to enjoy the "want-to's", which makes me stall out. I end up with piles of things lying around, a complete lack of focus or energy and a total inability to actually accomplish anything. And then I get a poor night's sleep and everything looks ten times worse. Please tell me I'm not alone in this. Or, if you tell me I am, just tell me it's okay.

One thing that I have done right lately, even if it only affects me, is to finally start reading a series of Christian fiction books again. I needed a break, outlet, escape or whatever you want to call it and this has been perfect. It's the series by Karen Kingsbury and I started with Redemption. It's wonderful! And I'm telling myself that it's okay to get most of my bible verses from this book right now instead of the actual bible. I realize that's not entirely true, but I'm clinging to it as long as I can.

I also had this realization tonight about prayer. We, as a family, are in some fairly interesting situations regarding a few different things. Without going into detail, let's just say there are things that have an impact on multiple parts of our lives but feel completely out of our control right now. Everyone has them, it's just the details that vary. It sometimes feels like life is caving in around us. I ask my mom sometimes, almost in desperation, why things are so hard. Just hard. So stinking hard. I don't feel like I was dealt a raw deal, I don't feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be. I actually feel like I am right where I'm supposed to be. I just don't know how to do it sometimes.

I guess mom's often feel like the weight of the family is on their shoulders. I don't have any answers for Fred regarding the business, but I feel like I should somehow be helping him in every aspect of that. I also feel like it is my responsibility to make sure Fred, Freddie and Logan are all happy all the time. There is no way I can fix life for them to make them happy, but somehow I feel like it's something I did or didn't do if they are not happy. I even feel this way about my parents. Mostly because Nana doesn't have a life of her own anymore. We have taken it over, which also means my dad is alone pretty often. That is not how I want my parents to enjoy this time in their lives which is supposed to be one of the best. But, I don't know what exactly do about it. I do have some ideas that I will try and explore and hopefully come up with something.

All of this though, was to say that my realization about prayer IS my answer to it all. I talk about how God has all of the answers, but when the going gets tough I forget to head straight for him. Do you think he sits back and chuckles at us? I happen to think that he finds us very amusing. Not just our family, but people in general. We must look pretty funny chasing our tails around and wondering why we aren't getting anywhere until we finally realize that he's been there waiting all along...just like he always said he would be.

There's too little stillness in life these days. Preachers preach about it, writers write about it and singers sing about it. The busyness of life gets in the way of really living and enjoying life. That's easy to say and even understand, but what exactly do I do about it? When I look at my life, I realize what needs to be fixed, but I want to fix it all at one time. And if I can't make that happen overnight, I'm at a loss for where to start. There are so many times when I start to pray and my mind wanders. It ends up in the most random places, but I'm so far off track by the time that happens that the prayer is long gone. My quick fix to that, at least for now, is the Lord's prayer. I have tried to start praying that prayer and really focus on it. I even drift when saying that one and I know it by heart, but I'm really trying to focus on each and every word. It's amazing the calming power it has. I've only tried it a few times, but it is something I will keep trying. That and starting my prayers by asking God to change my attitude. That's really the only thing that is in my control anyway. But most of the time I do need help changing it.

The Lord's Prayer from The Message Bible (I love this version!)

Our Father in heaven,
Reveal who you are.
Set the world right.
Do what's best-as above, so below.
Keep us alive with three square meals.
Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others.
Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil.
You're in charge!
You can do anything you want!
You're ablaze in beauty!
Yes. Yes. Yes.

God is so amazing. That's the bottom line of it all. He is there for us no matter what. He loves us, protects us, empowers us and catches us when we fall. It's up to us to remember to go to him. And all we really have to do in return is obey him and spread his love and joy. With the blessings he gives us, it is very little to ask of us in return.

Not only will I ask him for help in our life with prayer, but I have a friend who is in desperate need of God's love, guidance and healing in her life. I feel somewhat helpless in what I can actually do for her, but my prayer is something that I have to give over and over. So that's what I'll do. I'm sure she would appreciate any and all prayers, so if you'll just remember her in your prayers tonight. Don't worry, you don't need to mention any names....God knows exactly who she is and what she needs. He's good like that.

Thanks for bearing with me tonight. As always, by the end of my keyboard journey, the world is a little brighter. Thank you God for energizing your light in me. I'm ready to shine again!!!

Now it's time to energize my body through the power of sleep! Two out of three of the boys are sleeping and I'm sure the other one is not far behind.

May my sweet boys feel peace tonight as they rest, may they wake with a renewed sense of God's strength and love and may they find time to enjoy the stillness of life. Sweet dreams boys. I love you three, not matter how crazy you make me!