Breakthroughs, breakdowns and arms wide open

It's often hard to know how to start a new post....especially when it's been almost a month since the last post....again.

Things around here have been all over the board for me the last few months.  I think it's the little bit of normalcy and routine that I'm not used to!

Actually, that's not really accurate. I don't think "normalcy" and "routine" are even in the Wingate vocabulary.  At least not on a regular basis.  Which helps to explain the lack of ability to stick to a routine.

We'll start with Logan.  That way, if you don't care to read my ramblings you can cut out after the update on the youngest of our sweet boys.

First, we haven't had any of those things that we don't talk about since the day before Logan started the diet.  That's right....it's been almost 3 months.  We know full well that could change in the blink of an eye, but at least looking backward (which I try not to do!), things have been quiet on that front.

The diet seems to be going well so far from all that we can tell.  I can't begin to tell you how nice it is having our sweet nurses here to help though. When looking at the schedule for his feedings and water, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal.  But when you do it, even for one day, it's all you can do.  He gets medicine in the morning and at night, a vitamin and calcium during the day, eats five meals a day that take about 45 minutes each and he gets water in between each of his meals.  Add in changing diapers, therapy, naps, a bath, teething and washing all of the supplies that it takes to keep him going and it's exhausting!  I don't know where I would be without our nurses and I am thankful beyond words for them.

We have had a few tummy issues lately that have thrown some curve balls our way, but hopefully we are past those now.  For a couple of weeks, maybe a little more, we were seeing blood coming through his feeding tube and in his stool periodically.  There was always enough time in between to make me feel like a hyperactive parent for calling the doctors, but it happened enough that we were finally seen by Logan's GI doctor.  At the time Logan also had not "dirtied his diaper" (the nice way of saying it) in about a week.

An xray revealed.....lots of poop and nothing more.  I wasn't winning any awards as a parent that day, but at least everything looked okay so far.  Now for releasing the poop. It's never easy with Logan.  We always seem to have a hard time getting that regulated for him, but after a bit of a clean out and adjustments to his Miralax over the last few days we are on a better schedule than we have been in a month or so.

Sorry for all of the "poop" talk.  It seems that's what we do around here. It's not pleasant and I didn't grow up thinking it was okay, in fact you should see my poor parents' faces when it becomes the topic of conversation at the dinner table.  Unfortunately it is part of our life and with three boys, it does happen.  But we're working on it...in more ways than one.  So hopefully in the not so distant future, it will be a distant memory.

Something that is a pleasant part of many of our conversations at dinnertime or anytime is Logan's progress in his therapies.  It's hard to really pinpoint things or highlight anything really specific, especially since I'm here all the time and probably don't notice all of the changes.  But suffice it to say he is finally able to make some significant steps forward in everything - PT, OT and Speech.  It's not always what he wants, but he doesn't spend each therapy hour screaming like he has in the past.

In fact, he seems to enjoy therapy more often than not and I think he misses it when he doesn't have it.  He's stronger, more engaged, reactive and overall participating in each and every part of the learning process whether it be waking up his little muscles that have been quiet for too long, or playing with flash cards and teething toys.  He's here and interested and most days that is more than enough.

I wish everyone who "knows" Logan either personally or through this blog would have the chance to meet him on one of his very best days. I know I'm biased because he's mine, but....hmmm....how do I convey this in print. Because I use my entire face and hands to talk it's a little difficult to explain just how amazing this child is without the benefit of my entire body!  I've said it before and I'll say it until I don't have a voice left....every child is the most precious miracle God could have given us, and I think special needs children simply help to remind us of that in a way that only they can. Logan has the most precious and gentle way about him that makes me so proud of who he is and what he has accomplished in his life.   In the middle of the night when all I want to do is go back to sleep, but he decides to wake up and "talk" as if it's the middle of the day, and I look over at him and smile....he smiles back and makes this little sound like he knows he getting away with something, but there's no way in the world we would ever get mad at him for it. It is a moment I would love to freeze in time to be sure we would never forget it.  That's Logan.  Full of personality and life, despite the things that we would see as burdens.

I feel beyond blessed that God has allowed me to see Logan for who he is and what he IS doing instead of mourning the loss of what is not happening.  It is ONLY through GOD that I am able to live life with this outlook....that I know for sure.

Over the last few weeks I have had a glimpse of the frustrations that God has been carrying for me to this point.  I'm pretty sure this will not be the only time this happens, but it hit pretty hard recently.  It felt like I was falling down a tunnel that was growing darker and darker and instead of feeling like there was help from family and friends, my view was that everyone was helping to push me further and further into the darkness.

Sounds a bit dreary, I know.  But it's the truth. I'm sure it stemmed from the fact that no one was sleeping around here - last night was the first full night for us all in weeks.  But I couldn't seem to shake it.  Everything about life seemed hard, unfair and a burden for me and me alone.  I would pray, but the prayers seemed pretty empty.  I knew I was talking to God, but it wasn't exactly sincere.  More of a "Hey, you say turn to you when I need help, so I'm turning to you.  Now fix this."

Ouch.  Seems even worse in black and white.

The turning point?  Church last week.  At least that's the thing I can pinpoint.  Without sounding conceited, I'm pretty sure the sermon was written for me.  God has a way of putting you right where you need to be, when you need to be there and structuring your surroundings such that life can change almost in the blink of an eye.  I am beyond thankful that my eyes and heart were open to see and hear what I needed to see and hear.

I was so annoyed with my life and almost every detail about it, but when I tried to rationalize why I was so annoyed, I couldn't make it all make sense. I couldn't even rationalize that it was okay to be annoyed. Do you know how annoying that is?  I was spinning in circles!  Or as Fred would tell me, I was spiraling.

Unfortunately I could dwell on the details of how I felt and potentially write pages and pages, but God stepped in and changed it all.

Because he did, not only am I enjoying the details of my life, the ones that were just suffocating me, but I am embracing them.  I'm taking back control and trying to make the changes necessary so that I don't spiral back to that place.  Technically it's a choice, but ultimately that choice was made for me when God decided to bless me with a wonderful husband and two precious children.  I don't get to spiral.  I have to figure out ways not to get to that point.  So I'm working on it.

As a side note though, when spiraling completely out of control, there is nothing like the love of family to get you through.  I say that church last week was the turning point, but it started last Saturday.

After being stuck in the house all week without our nurses to help and all of the snow and ice on the ground to keep us in, I was at my wits end. On Saturday I simply couldn't keep the tears from falling. Nothing seemed right, I couldn't think of what could make it better and I just wanted it to stop.  As I was whimpering in Fred's arms in the kitchen Freddie said, "I want to come to."  He climbed into Fred's arms, they both put their arms around me and as Freddie rubbed my hair I cried. Neither one said a word....they just let me cry.  When I finally calmed down, no one really said a word.  Freddie wasn't upset, he just cared that I was okay.

There are no words for how that makes me feel. None. If you're a parent though, you can imagine.

So, now that my breakdown is over, I am back to enjoying life....all of it.  And whadaya know, we all got a full night's sleep last night. I don't know that it's a coincidence, but we'll see if it happens again tonight!

Not only is Logan doing well, Freddie is keeping us on our toes and laughing!  I guess if I'm being honest it's not all laughter.  He's four, there are plenty of times I'm ready to hang him up by his toes until he listens to me, but the laughter and his wit do make up for it.

I am doing such a poor job of writing down all of the precious little jewels that come out of his mouth.  It's enough most of the time to make any adult within ear shot drop their jaw and look at the other adults and wonder how he comes up with this stuff!

He's loving school, completely obsessed with trains, becoming more and more interested in dinosaurs, taking and loving gymnastics and has more energy every day than I know what do with!  He is the most sensitive and loving brother we could even hope to be given for Logan and he is learning more patience with life than any 4 year old should have to, although it doesn't really appear that he has any patience at all.

He's fighting for control, pushing his limits on everything, expanding his vocabulary, struggling for his place and identity and continuing to teach us about life.

From all I can tell, he's exactly where he needs to be and I could not imagine being more proud of him.

Other than that....everything around here is pretty extraordinary.  By the way, that's our new "normal."

EXTRAORDINARY.

Since we don't fit the definition of normal, by any stretch of the imagination, I figure we are a better fit with the definition of an antonym of normal.  So extraordinary is where we like to be - going beyond what is usual.  I'll take that any day.

I'll try and update with pictures next time.  Maybe it will be before the end of February!  We have a cute one of Logan in the tub.  Don't worry - it's G rated.

As always, thanks for your prayers, support, love, encouragement and genuine friendship. We are better people, a better family, better servants of God and better overall because of you.

Sweet dreams to my sweet boys....all night!