That part I get.
It's the internal stuff I've been struggling with lately.
I've wanted to write, but haven't felt the words. I've even tried to write...started over three or four times and then finally gave up deciding to try another time.
I guess God finally decided it was time.
For some reason, the last month, maybe even two months, has really been a journey for me...and not a very pleasant one might I add. I know all that I'm supposed to do. It's on my ever-growing LIST! But it's all scattered and discombobulated and overwhelming and at times feels completely senseless.
That's when I get nervous. The senseless feeling either means I'm doing the wrong things or I've completely lost the JOY of it all....of life.
In the past it's been easier to get that back than it seems this time. I think the signs have all been there and I've turned to my usual sources, but I haven't had the true desire to make the changes necessary to change me.
Yuck...to the change ME part.
I typically like change or at least don't run from it, but not when it involves me actually having to change me.
Okay, so I'm sure I seem to be rambling. Here's an example. I've always watched TV. Had one in my room growing up, watched it while eating dinner sometimes, kept it on as background noise, etc. No big deal to me, just a part of life. And a part that I have always enjoyed.
Enter Fred. He calls it the Devil's Box.
I have fought tooth and nail through the years, pleading my case that it was just entertainment, everyone watched it. It was down time for me, relaxing after work watching mindless sitcoms or extreme violence...or whatever I could find.
However, at least tonight, I have to admit, that there is a possibility that...Fred.might.be.right. (I'm so fighting the urge to delete the wording of that last sentence.)
However, I can't deny the fact that it sucks the life out of our family and it's our choice to let it happen!
So, tonight instead of turning it off I turned it to the collection of music stations that are available with our cable plan. I'll let myself feel like it's a small victory for me and a compromise instead of actually turning it off! Baby steps...I need baby steps.
I never realized what an effect music has on me, but as I flipped from station to station I realized that I was not in a Jazz (smooth or otherwise) kind of mood. The 70's, although I typically love that time of music, was not it tonight. And country was just not what I was in the mood for either.
So I settled on the 80's station and realized that my taste in music (as well as movies) is just as cheesy as I had always feared. Air Supply is on right now and I couldn't be happier. I've also heard Richard Marx, Bon Jovi, Culture Club, Taylor Dayne, Don Henley, Janet Jackson...the list goes on. I love it!!
So...back to my journey. It seems as though this is exactly what God had planned, because I have journeyed back to the 80's and who I was then. I know everyone feels like they have changed over the years, but I truly feel like a completely different person in so many ways. Maybe I haven't to many of the people who knew me then and know me now, or maybe I've changed in ways no one else can really see. Of course it could also the fact that I can now be considered as "well into my thirties".
Whatever it is, I think I am finally coming to grips with a few things lately that are making the path just a little clearer. Or at least I feel like I'm taking charge of my responsibilities on the journey with the trust that the path will reveal itself along the way.
I always used to worry what people thought...about everything. Not that it drove what I did really, or maybe it did. I just know that it was an awareness that I had, or maybe still have, and it's always been pretty strong.
I still have that, but it's different now. I'm aware that other people have opinions about me and my family, but I'm slowly settling into the fact that it's my family...our family. Everyone is not going to agree with the decisions that we make or the actions we take. In fact, sometimes it's hard to find anyone that agrees with us. But instead of looking at that as a negative, I'm trying to change my way of thinking to realize that this is a growing experience for Fred and me. We're in this together, so we make the decisions together, we move forward together and we either succeed or fail...together.
Being a mother has certainly changed my life in ways I could have never imagined, but being a mother to my sweet Logan has been a whole new learning experience. One that has challenged me, humbled me, angered me, frustrated me and opened my eyes to things I would have never even noticed before.
I'm realizing what is expected of me in my life now and I don't even know where to start to make it happen.
I'm a behind the scenes person. At least I've always tried to be. I would do everything possible not to be called on in class. I only liked to stand out when it was relating to something with which I was completely comfortable or knew everything about. I don't like reading in front of people, performing in front of people (unless it's in a group), competing in sports where I'm expected to contribute to the victory, trying new things where I might possibly fail or be embarrassed or even putting myself out there opening myself up for criticism.
I'm learning (I just wish it were at a faster pace) that the three personalities of males that I live with makes it all but impossible to be the person that I have always thought I was. And yet, they are helping me figure out exactly who I am.
I'm much stronger than I ever thought I was. But I have to be. I'm learning to fight for Logan and all that he needs to be the best that he can possibly be. And sometimes, I have no idea what it is that I'm even fighting for.
I'm learning to fight for Freddie, which often means fighting the most stubborn part of me. I owe it to him to get past myself sometimes to help him be the best he can possibly be.
I'm learning to fight for and with Fred, even when we may not completely agree. It's often, if not always more important that we present a united front and then smooth out the wrinkles in private. Luckily, we're usually on the same page.
I'm learning to fight for me. And as soon as I figure out exactly who that is, I think that fight will be a little easier!
And most importantly, I'm learning to fight for us...as a family. There are far too many things and activities and people and time stealers and technologies that do the best job they can at what they do, which in turn whittles away at the core of who we are as one unit.
And I'm done. Somehow, some way I'm done letting life run us as we try to keep up.
There's the saying or book title "All I need to know I learned in kindergarten." Well I don't remember kindergarten really, but I can tell you that for me, I'm learning much of what I need to know through my precious children. It's time to start listening to them, watching them, enjoying them and taking the time that it requires to RAISE them and not just provide shelter, food and clothing.
It's hard, it's all really, really hard. It's time consuming, it's not always fun and we're not going to get it right quite a bit of the time. And unfortunately another realization that I've come to is that it's up to me and Fred to do it. Period. It's time to let Nana have at least some of her life back. Which makes things really hard, but it's something that we have to do...for everyone.
She's going to read this and think she's completely off the hook, but she should know better than that. Baby steps, remember?
It's funny that much of this has come from Freddie and Logan. As Freddie was growing through his first couple of years of life, we took much of what he learned and accomplished for granted. He grabbed things, sat up, crawled, pulled up, walked, ate from a spoon, drank from a sippy cup and traveled down the road to being a preschooler right on track.
Now, as we watch each stage happen over days and weeks and months and as they begin to stretch into years, it really makes you realize how much we take for granted. It doesn't make me sad. Except for the fact that Freddie doesn't have a baby book....such a bad mother! It makes me appreciate every single tiny triumph that Logan achieves.
I haven't updated on just Logan in a while, but the changes are just a continuation of the miracle that he is.
He's rolling
He's sleeping on his tummy
He's turning his head to each side while laying on his tummy...on his own
He grasps our fingers and pulls himself (with a little help) to a sitting position
He sits with the least amount of support that he's ever had
He engages the muscles in his legs to bear weight on them
He smiles in response to us now instead of just random...and it happens ALL THE TIME
He chews on his teethers like a champ, even if we have to hold them for him
He sleeps all the way through the night in his own room by himself....sometimes
He's a bit of momma's boy but loves, loves his daddy
He's laughs at Freddie when he jumps around and dances
He "talks" and is so loud and purposeful about it, even if he's the only one who really knows what he's saying
He loves being outside
He loves riding in the car to go anywhere, even doctor's appointments
He makes his therapists proud each week with his progress, even if he does still hold his breath and turn blue during the sessions
He lights up a room just by entering it, which often paves the way for Freddie to then find the spotlight!
He seems to draw people in, no matter where we are
He has the most amazing way to smile through his tears and capture the heart of anyone who gets to know him.
When you look at that list and realize the accomplishments our little guy has made through any of the challenges thrown his way, it's clear that we bring much of our own heartache on ourselves.
So, I'm going to try and make better and smarter choices each day to honor my faith and my family. My children are so precious, our family is so precious and none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.
We've all seen the destruction that has happened in recent days, we all know people who are suffering yet we still sweat the small stuff.
I know I'll stumble and fall in trying to figure it all out, but life is a journey and not a destination and as long as I keep getting up and keep fighting the good fights, the JOYS and BLESSINGS along the way will be more precious that I could have ever imagined.
God and my boys are so worth it.
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