Bringing JOY back

Life has gotten so serious lately.  Not all the time, but kinda all the time.  I love to write and somehow  writing helps me to know what I think.  But I often stop myself because I figure what I have to say has already been said.  What I think has already been plastered all over the internet with millions of views and any words that I may type have gone viral already in another form.  So why am I even typing?

And so I stop before I even start.  I think through every possible scenario of what I might type and I tell myself it's not worth the time.  And what's the point anyway?  If I'm typing for me, then just write in a journal.  If I'm typing for others, I shouldn't be living for others anyway.

And then I realize...it's just another way the devil is creeping in and sucking the joy out of my life.

Evil is darkening every bit of sunshine space that I try to create in my life.  It shows up in feelings of fear, inadequacy, doubt, control, lack of control, worry....I could go on for days.  But I think I'm done.  I think I'm ready to be done.

It would be nice if it were that simple.  I'm smart enough at forty to know that it's not.  But I'm also smart enough to know that only I have the power (and only by the Grace of God) to make the change.

So....I'm probably going to have a THIRD cup of coffee today.  Even though I am probably sealing my fate with the artificial sweetener.  And I'm sure I'm putting too much of the organic, raw sugar in each cup.  Not to mention that the coffee itself isn't even organic.  Geez.

Why stop there?  I'll probably help polish off the gummy bears I bought for Freddie at Wal Mart...for breakfast.

And...even though I have purchased sunscreens from the approved list that I found somewhere on the internet (probably from some hyped up story on Facebook), I'm sure we're getting too much sun.  Or applying it wrong.  Or applying it 28 minutes before we leave the house instead of 30.  Or not using it in conjunction with the other 7 products sold by the same company that must be used to actually ensure the sunscreen does its job.

And then there's the 5 things to know about raising boys.  Or 3 things to remember when driving your car.  Or 7 things to think about while you're cooking dinner.  Or 26 things not to forget when buying toilet paper.

And if that was not enough to send this wound up, control freak over the edge there is every single story about every single bad thing that happens in every corner of every part of the earth. Or every thought that someone has that goes viral that then triggers an open letter about every single thing that happens every day across every time zone in every village on the planet.

I mean.....it's no wonder I'm not fun anymore.  How in the world can I be fun when I have to physically carry and keep up with all of this, all the time, all by myself all while keeping my Pinterest boards up to date?

And don't even get me started on the above list with a medical twist.

So...why not just turn it off?  I mean really.  Why not just delete.  Filter.  Block.  Be done.

I guess I'm human enough to crave it....in the weirdest way.  And I'm also human enough to let it affect me.  And then human enough to let it drive me nuts.

And part of it is the way I'm wired, I suppose.

So what am I going to do about it?

Honestly, I have no clue.  But I am tired of being on the sidelines while the worst of me is living my life.  I am tired of letting everything about my human condition overtake my "God is much bigger and better than all of this" condition.

What is always amazing to me is that I know the answer.  I have the answer. I know where to turn and from where my JOY comes.  And yet here I am...again.  Sucked into the crap that drives our world these days.  Searching for that article where someone speaks truth and logic.  Something I can hold onto, cling to like it's a lifeline.

As a child of God....a God fearing Christian who claims to carry Jesus in my heart....don't I already know where to turn and where I will find those answers?

So many days it is such a struggle for me to not cave into the craziness in which we live.

I watch my sweet Freddie and how deeply he feels about things.  How seeriously he takes things that don't need to be serious and I realize...I'm looking at me.  I'm seeing the way I look at life.  I'm seeing me wrapped up in the struggle and frustrations and completely missing out on all of the good things life has to offer.  I'm seeing myself battle the need to control and organize so that I can sit back and enjoy.

I'm watching as I am missing out on letting go.  I'm realizing that I'm forgetting what it all means anyway.  I'm letting the devil suck the life out of everything good that is surrounding me.

And I'm teaching my son to do the same thing.

So, I'm pretty sure it's time.  And I'm pretty sure it's a one step at a time process, which I've also learned is not part of my original makeup.

So some of the good things that should truly be our main focus daily?  Here they are in a nutshell.

For whatever reason we don't say sometimes how Logan is doing, because we don't want to jinx things.  So I'll just say his quality of life right now might just be the best it's been...ever.  And we are soaking it in!

We have also made some pretty big changes recently. After attending a church in Charlotte for almost 13 years (the same church that Fred grew up in) we made a move to try and simplify life by finding a church near us.  And while we will never fully leave our church family in Charlotte, because they are wihtout a doubt family, we made the right decision.  Life is simpler for sure...solidified by the fact that Logan has been with us to church almost every Sunday.  Something he wasn't able to do before.

And after going to an amazing school in Charlotte for the past 4 years, with people who also feel like family (not to mention the same school Fred and his sister went to K-12), Freddie will be going to our neighborhood school in the fall....about 5 minutes away from our house.

I could write volumes on the beautiful path that God laid out for us as we made these changes..and the incredible love, support and encouragement we felt as we shared our plans.  That alone should plant a joy in my heart to sustain me for quite some time.

So now, we move forward.  We try.  We fail.  And we try again.

And maybe that's my motto.  It eliminates the perfection expecation.  It's rooted in reality.  And its anchored by perserverence...something we don't have enough of these days.

Until next time, know how continually grateful we are for the love and prayers and support. Everyone should be so blessed.  And maybe then the world could settle down and rediscover the JOYS of life.