A New Groove

Every time I start to write, I stop.  I change the title, delete everything and start over.

To be honest, I'm kinda sick of blogs.  It seems like everyone has one. Which fits my personality.  I usually like things until they are popular and then I'm kinda over it.  I could not understand this in my almost 9 year old for the longest time, until I took a good look at ME.

Funny thing is...I love reading other people's blogs.  So don't leave me out of the updates!  But for me, I feel almost weird writing this these days.  It's like putting my life on display.  And I'm not sure why?

But on the other side, I almost feel this push to write.  Like I'm supposed to be doing it.

Welcome to the constant state of conflict that is my brain.  Overthink, constantly question, hold back until all is perfect, wonder why I miss out.

I've been on a mission for a while to simplify.  I think I overcomplicate sometimes before I simplify.  I try so hard to reorganize, declutter and make our lives healthier that I end up making everyone crazy.  I stop cooking dinner because I don't want to fill my family with junk.  I stop organizing because it will never look like the picture I've created in my head.  I decide things need to go a certain way and maybe forget to tell everyone else...then have trouble understanding how they don't understand what's in my head.

In the midst of it all, all the complete chaos that threatens to completely unravel me and bring out the worst me there is, I realize I've become disconnected from the vine.  I let myself forget what is really important.  I let myself think that I have to conform to what the world tells me needs to happen, how things need to go and what mold my family needs to fit.  And even at that point, before I've searched for the point where I can reconnect...I find peace.

It is also in the comfort of this peace that I remember that it's in the valleys I grow.  True and powerful life does not happen without growth.  And growth does not happen without change and often pain or discomfort.

And at the end of this spiral back to what I know to be true, I remember that nothing in this world will give me life.  There is nothing in this world that I can cling to to give me hope.  There is nothing and no one in this world that can even come close to filling me with the peace I need...every day...to do what it is I'm called to do.

It's almost comical to me at times.  And I feel like God gets a little chuckle out of it too. The fact that He gives us everything we need to do everything we need to do and yet we search and seek and grasp at anything we can to help us just get through our days.  Often because we are doing the wrong things.

Granted, I think His heart also aches for how much of this we bring on ourselves.

The world constantly tells us that we need to be bigger, better, faster.  We need to be well rounded, the best at something and then also strive to be the best at everything.  It's not enough to be aware of our limits and weaknesses, but we have to work to overcome them.  It's not okay to just be who you are, but be sure to understand who you are so that you can be the best of who you are - which often means changing who you are so that your weaknesses become your strengths while your strengths ensure that you will one day save the world.  We don't just talk out of both sides of our mouths, we now use social media or whatever platform we can find to create more mouths.

And it makes me completely crazy.

Raising a miniature version of Fred and me as well as a child who has a multi-volume medical chart makes my overthinking brain overthink so much more than it used to.

In light of remembering these things, sometimes reminding myself multiple times a day, we are finding ourselves developing a new groove.  An actual routine - while at the same time, being able to live and thrive without a rigid routine.

The changes we decided to make last Spring are now in full effect.

Freddie is finishing week 3 of 3rd grade at a brand new school.  We have said, so many times over those 3 weeks, what an amazing and strong child he is and has been.

I realize for many this is not a huge deal.  People move and change schools all the time.  In the past I would have used this philosophy to help him deal with the change.  "Other people do it all the time."  "It's not that big of a deal.  You'll be fine."

But finally I'm being the mother I think God called me to be.  I'm finally seeing Freddie for the precious child he is and I'm listening to my gut (which is most effective when connected to the vine) in how to help him through what is a major transition in his life.  This is major for him.  Other kids maybe not, but I'm not raising other kids.  And until I figured that out, I handled things poorly for him.  I created fear and anxiety instead of wrapping him in love and grace.

Thank goodness there is a God who loves us and never leaves us, because if you all could have seen how these last few months played out I'm sure you would have been as amazed as we have been.

And then my sweet Logan.  If you've seen my Facebook posts you know he went to school 4 out of 5 days this week and he completed close to 5 1/2 hours of our 10 hour/week goal.  It honestly sounds so simple.  But it's just not.  I have no desire to get into all the intricate details that I feel like have to be worked through to get him to school, but know that it's not as simple as just getting him up a little earlier and getting him to school.

And then when I start to think about it all, not just the school part for the boys but everything, I get frustrated with myself again.

THIS.IS.LIFE.

I think one of the reasons I stay frustrated if I'm too connected to social media, the news, TV, etc. and disconnected from the vine is that I feel like I start to think that life should be easier.  I didn't sign up for this.  This is too hard.  Why can't I get a break?  I start to look at others and how easy their lives must be.

It's a terrible road to start to travel down because it affects every single aspect of my life.

THIS is MY LIFE.  This IS what I signed up for.  This is NOT hard, it's just life.  And what if it is hard?  I get downright mad when I start to sink into the pity party that seems to be A-Ok for anyone to hold for themselves today.

And at the same time I get mad at myself when I get mad.

I have absolutely NOTHING to be mad, sad or frustrated about.  I can get mad, sure.  I can feel frustrated at times, fine.  But I do not want to live that way.

This new groove is teaching me so much about who I am and about my amazing family.

I have awesome kids.  And what is so cool is I know so many families with awesome kids.  In fact, we know so many awesome families.

I also have a husband who is....I have trouble finding the words.  He is my rock.  He is my best friend.  He is everything I could have hoped for and didn't even know I needed in the leader of our family and in a father for our boys.  Even in his green unitard.

I have amazing parents who are still taking care of their little girl and her family.

It's also teaching me to remember to embrace the simple things in life.

The sun still comes up every day and I wake up breathing.

There is coffee.  With good creamer that is not that bad for me.

There are amazing sunsets and life giving rain storms.

There are tragedies and triumphs and ways to share God's love through both.

The life we live is a powerful testimony to others.  It's up to us to decide what we share with the world.  It's also up to us to decide that what we share with the world is truth.  That it's really what we believe.  That it really is how we treat others.  And we really do treat others how we want to be treated.

And by others we realize that means those closest to us.

It means that we fight to the death for our marriages.

We love and embrace our children for who they are, good and bad, teaching them that even when they are striving to be the best they can be or making mistakes, they are enough.  Realizing that sometimes what is their best is not what we might have envisioned...and learning to be content that it's not about our dreams for them anyway.

Some friends of ours made a bold move across the country and I heard them say one of their motivating factors was to "hit the reset button".

Brilliant.  Alison and Kerry, I'm stealing that idea.

This new groove is that for us. Hitting the reset button.

Seeing life for what it really is.

Making the most out of what God has given us.

Enjoying all the blessings he sends our way.

Making sure LOVE is our motivating factor, even when it's hard.

Making sure that even when it's hard, we keep going.  Keep trying.

Making the most out of our new groove.